It's almost one o'clock. Historicallly, this is the time when I decide whether to stay up and do the rest of my work or go to bed, wake up and "do it in the morning". So what do I decide to do? Update my LiveJournal for the first time in weeks :). Current Mood:
Life is pretty good. It's interesting and at the same time boring as hell. It's busy yet stagnant. I say this because I like some of my classes and I am actually trying to do a good job of keeping up with the readings and lectures. This means that I am doing a significantly larger amount of work (and learning significantly more) than normal. Even still, I feel like my life experience is waning a bit now. I may know about African American women's history and Queer Studies, but I haven't learned anything new about myself in a while.
Tonight, as I was somewhat bemoaning my current state of events, I began to think about how my life was this time last year. In many ways, I was the exact same person; however, as I realized just this evening, this was also the time in which I started to shift away from the negativity of my first year of college. Last fall through spring, I invested a significant amount of time with a small group of friends who turned out to be interested only in themselves and each other. These people took the meat of my support and companionship and met it with crusts of attention and friendship. Today I cannot justify to myself the amount of time I allowed these people to be selfish and hateful towards me. Perhaps it was the uncertainty of my first year of college, where I was afraid that I would be left alone and anonymous. Regardless, for a long time I allowed myself to be strung along with such people who were so unconcerned as to my wellbeing.
Waking up to and walking away from this negative influence was scary at first, but overwhelmingly liberating. Not since my involvement with this party have I experienced the same anxiety, fear, and acute lonliness I knew in their presence. This alone has been a godsend. More importantly, however, I learned that, although anybody has the potential to be my friend, nobody deserves my friendship unless they prove it first. I am friends with people because they show me love and support and demonstrate a vested interest in my personal growth, nurturement, and wellbeing - not the other way around.
It is this life lesson that has enabled me to come back to school this year feeling in many ways stronger, happier, and better than ever before. I feel empowered and enlightened and emboldened. Like a stronger, smarter Kate. As to the group I eventually left behind - I get the distinct impression that they are also very much the exact same people that they were last year. I wish them well, at the same time knowing that I owe them nothing.
I don''t know what compells me to log any of these feelings except the fact that they have been lying dormant and unexpressed for a long time now. Anyway, it makes me feel better about the currently stagnant feel I get from life right now - the contemplation that, in such relatively short time I have been able to, in some ways, really turn my perspective and life around.